Up until now the news from scan city were either good or bad.... simple!
So when I get a mixed bag I find myself completely confused... in my emotions toolkit I did not have one to help me deal with this scenario 😧
Shall I be happy? Shall I be sad? Shall I be scared? Now what? What is the next step? Where does this path lead me to?
I was really looking forward to having a 'break', to set up camp and just imerse myself in 'being' 🏕
But....instead... I ended up lost in a maze of 'doing'.
It's almost 3 years since I embarked on this journey and I am starting to become a medical expert. After all, I am not that far away, in terms of duration, of getting a degree 🤷🏻♀️ the amount of hours spent researching and scribbling notes also probably add up to a final essay.
I have become all too familiar with terms such as 'apoptosis' , 'angiogenesis', P53, glucose and glutamine pathways, 'CYP3A4 inhibitors', to name just a few.
This sounds all well and good and as we say in Portugal "knowledge does not take up space". It may not, but it can certainly lead to burnout!
Once again, I could not help it but imerse myself into research until I hit 'the wall' and fell into a 'dark hole'.
Just like the emotions around the results above, I don't always know how to handle feeling down since I am usually so positive and try to find the 'light side' of every situation.
Hour upon hour...web page upon web page... the relaxing break I was longing for turned into a stressfull event. I felt like I was in a race against time... a race against the scan machine.
I had to aquire all the tools I needed quickly in order to maximize the time I had off treatment and adopt new integrative protocols.
The trouble was, It took me that long to gather everything I needed. So when I went back to scan city for the second time, I knew what to expect... the usual disease progression results.
See... the thing is, I know it before the professionals tell me. I am my own medical expert!
I would like to think that my senses are just 'hightened' by what I have been going through for the past 3 years, but unfortunately that is not the case.
I can feel in my body the slightliest change, the little niggles that could pass by unnoticed.
I really wish I could just 'drop out of this medical school' and spend my time reading about other topics. Living within the cancer campus can be really exhausting at times.
I am about to embark on another voyage, a completely new one. Another targeted therapy 💊
As before, I met the nurse along the path and we went through the road map of all the possible side effects...really not cool!!! How on earth can they make drugs that attract such rubbish symptoms?!
As always, I am trying to stay cool about it and trust that my body can handle it 💪 I have a magnificent vessel and we will get through anything!
Time to pack the bags and hit the road again... this time with a 'degree' in tow 😅
Sara 💙
'Burnout is Nature's way of telling you, you've been going through the motions your soul has departed'
Sam Keen
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